The Distance Between Us Read online

  Tasha went out into the garden and sat at the table on the terrace. The sight of the barbecue and all the memories that it evoked of Charlie and his little helper Max caused a new wave of self-loathing to bubble up inside her. She sipped her coffee and tried to stem the torrent of self-abuse that rushed through her mind.

  A few minutes later the sliding door opened and Rosie stepped out to join her.

  ‘Morning,’ she said, coming over to sit on the chair beside her.

  ‘Morning,’ Tasha replied. ‘Are the children still asleep?’

  ‘I didn’t hear anything. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Rubbish. I didn’t sleep a wink.’

  ‘You do look rather tired,’ Rosie admitted. ‘I’ve called in sick to work. I’m staying here today – I think you could do with the moral support, if nothing else.’

  ‘You don’t have to do that…’

  ‘I know. But I’ve done it already.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Absolutely. Did you hear back from Charlie?’

  ‘No. I’ve sent him messages, I’ve tried calling… but no luck.’ Tasha sighed.

  ‘Give him time.’ Rosie leant across and squeezed her knee. ‘He will be in touch soon enough, I’m sure of it.’

  ‘Oh, God. I hope so. I just can’t believe what I have done. I feel so completely stupid.’

  ‘We all make mistakes, Tasha.’

  ‘Not mistakes like this. This has changed everything, in an instant.’

  ‘It’ll be OK,’ Rosie said firmly, clearly determined to stay positive for Tasha’s sake. ‘Now, I’m dying for a cup of tea. Can I make you another coffee?’

  They went back inside and pottered around the kitchen, waiting for the children to wake up.

  Max was the first to make an appearance.

  He came plodding in, wearing his dinosaur pyjamas.

  ‘Good morning, darling!’ Tasha said, fixing a smile on her face.

  ‘Morning.’ He rubbed his eyes sleepily.

  ‘Did you sleep well?’ she asked.

  Max nodded and pulled himself up onto the chair next to Rosie.

  ‘Hi, Max.’ Rosie smiled.

  ‘Hi,’ he replied, yawning loudly. He was entirely unsurprised by Rosie’s presence.

  Flora was next up. She was much more excited by their unexpected visitor. ‘Godmother Rosie!’ she cried, rushing over to give her a hug. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.

  ‘I thought I’d surprise you!’ Rosie said. ‘I’m spending the day with you all!’

  ‘Oh, brilliant!’ Flora squealed. ‘This is going to be the best day ever!’ She clearly couldn’t believe her luck. In Flora’s eyes, Rosie was just about the coolest person on the planet. At least with Rosie around Flora would be at her most charming: she saved her mood swings for relatives alone.

  When Bella came downstairs they all sat down for boiled eggs and soldiers for breakfast. The day passed in a blur. They went to the park and had a picnic lunch before going to the cinema to watch a film the children had been desperate to see for ages. Tasha was so grateful to have Rosie with her. She felt completely discombobulated, as if she were watching herself from a distance.

  When the children had finished their dinner and had their baths, Rosie offered to read Max a bedtime story. He scampered down the corridor into his bedroom and jumped into bed in eager anticipation. Rosie was clearly a wonderful influence on Max: he had behaved like an angel all day, as had Flora. While Rosie read with Max, Tasha read Bella a chapter of her Famous Five book. Then they both went into Flora’s room to check on her and kiss her goodnight. When they were all settled they went downstairs and ate the rest of the chilli they had given the children earlier.

  ‘Thanks so much, Rosie,’ Tasha said when they had finished their food as well as several much-needed glasses of wine. ‘I honestly don’t know how I would have survived the day without you.’

  ‘It’s a pleasure. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay again tonight?’

  ‘I’m sure. You’ve done more than enough already.’

  ‘Keep me posted on any news from Charlie, won’t you?’

  After Rosie had left Tasha called Charlie once again. She knew he wouldn’t answer but she had to keep on trying.

  Much to her surprise, he picked up. ‘Tasha,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, Charlie, thank God. I’m so glad you are speaking to me.’

  ‘Are the children OK? What did you say to them?’ he asked.

  ‘I just told them you were working late. They didn’t realise you weren’t here last night. Are you coming home?’

  ‘No.’

  Tasha’s heart sank. Her eyes filled with tears. ‘Where are you?’ she asked.

  ‘In a hotel.’

  ‘Please come home, Charlie. Please. For the children…’

  ‘Don’t guilt-trip me, Tasha.’ His voice was cold and distant. ‘I have no idea if I will ever want to be in the same house as you again, and as for being within a stone’s throw of that bastard…’ Charlie tailed off. He sighed heavily down the line. ‘One thing is for sure – right now I need some space.’

  ‘I understand,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Tell the children I’m away on business if they ask. Say I’m sorry that I didn’t say goodbye. I’ll phone them tomorrow evening and pretend I’m in Zurich.’

  ‘OK,’ she said. She knew she shouldn’t push him, that she should give him time and space. ‘Charlie?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I hope one day you will be able to forgive me…’

  She could picture him sitting on the edge of his hotel bed, all alone. It was so wrong. He should be here with her, with his family. She felt consumed with guilt.

  ‘Bye, Tasha,’ he said, hanging up the phone.

  ‘Bye,’ she said, but he had already gone. She sat on the sofa and stared numbly at the floor.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  ‘Mum, Dad wants to speak to you,’ Flora said, passing Tasha the phone. It was Thursday evening and, as agreed, Charlie was pretending he was abroad.

  ‘Hi,’ she said, conscious to make her voice sound as normal as possible in front of the children.

  ‘Hi. I just want to talk to you about this weekend.’

  She walked out of earshot. ‘Right. Will you be coming home? We miss you…’

  ‘I want to take the children to my parents’. Without you.’

  ‘Oh.’ She took the handset into the sitting room, not wanting the children to notice that her eyes had filled with tears.

  ‘I’m not ready to see you. To be honest, Tasha, I’m not even ready to talk to you. I just can’t stop thinking about…’ He couldn’t even finish his sentence. The unspoken words hung heavily in the air.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I really am.’

  His voice broke. ‘Christ!’ There was a long pause. ‘Anyway. I want to see the children.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘I’ll tell my parents you’re on a girls’ weekend with Rosie.’

  ‘OK.’ Tasha swallowed. ‘I’ll tell the children the same thing. When do you want to leave?’

  ‘I’ll leave work early and come over at around four. I’ll grab a few things and then we’ll set off so we’re there in time for dinner.’

  ‘Right.’ Tasha was trying very hard not to cry.

  ‘I’ll bring them back on Sunday.’

  ‘What about Sunday night? Will you stay here?’

  ‘I doubt it.’

  ‘OK,’ she said. ‘When you’re ready.’ She hoped to God that day would be soon.

  *

  The next day she watched the clock nervously as the hours ticked by. ‘Daddy is taking you to Granny and Grandpa’s house this afternoon,’ she had explained to the children that morning. ‘You need to pack a bag each for the weekend.’

  ‘Are you not coming with us?’ Bella had asked.

  ‘No. I’m afraid not. I’m going to stay with Rosie for the weekend. She has arr
anged lots of things for us to do and I can’t really say no… she’d be very sad. Though obviously I would much rather be with you all…’

  The children had seemed completely unfazed at the thought of spending the weekend without her. It was a good thing, she reassured herself, though it didn’t exactly make her feel great. Tasha had made sure they had everything they needed: toothbrushes, pyjamas, clean clothes, raincoats and wellies.

  At four on the dot, Charlie let himself in through the front door.

  ‘Daddy!’ Bella squealed as she jumped into his arms.

  ‘Daddy!’ Max hurtled down the stairs at the speed of light, joining Bella.

  ‘Hi, Dad,’ Flora said, more self-conscious than her siblings but coming over to join the group hug nonetheless.

  ‘It’s good to have you home.’ Tasha smiled. She wanted to give him a kiss but knew from the way he was struggling to make eye contact with her that it would not be a good idea. Her heart wrenched at the sight of him. He was wearing a smart navy suit and a blue shirt, which made his eyes look even brighter than usual. His tie, covered in pink elephants, had been one of the ties she had given him for his anniversary present. She knew how hard it must be for Charlie to be right opposite Javier’s house. She remembered his pure anger on Monday night as he had stormed across the street and hammered on the door. He must be finding it so difficult to bottle up all his emotions and remain calm in front of the children.

  It didn’t take long for Charlie to pack a bag and before she knew it they were all traipsing out to the car and loading the boot with their suitcases. She kissed the children goodbye, plastering a false smile on her face. ‘Have a lovely time with Granny and Grandpa!’ she said.

  Charlie got in the car.

  ‘Wait, Dad, you forgot to kiss Mummy goodbye, silly!’ Bella scolded.

  ‘Silly me indeed,’ Charlie replied. He almost winced as he wound down the window. He glanced over to Javier’s house where mercifully there was no evidence of anyone home. Tasha came over to the open window, bent through, and pecked him on the lips.

  ‘Bye!’ she said, trying to appear bright and breezy.

  ‘Have fun with godmother Rosie,’ said Flora. ‘Say hi from me!’

  ‘I will!’ Tasha called as she waved goodbye.

  They drove off without further ado, leaving Tasha standing on the pavement, furiously blinking back tears. She had nothing to do. She could hardly call up her friends and make plans without explaining why Charlie and the children were away without her. Rosie and Josh were in Paris for the weekend. She had offered to cancel but Tasha had adamantly refused. She looked at Javier’s front door and rued the day she had stepped through it. She glanced up at the bedroom window. The curtains were open. In her mind’s eye she could see the room, she could see the two of them lying naked on his bed. She turned around and walked inside. Closing the door behind her, she let out a deep sigh. She looked around her family home. What would it be like to live here without Charlie? Suddenly overwhelmed, she howled in despair. She didn’t want to find out. She’d never wanted this. How could she have let this happen?

  Tasha spent the evening drowning her sorrows in red wine and watching reruns of Friends on the television. It was about the only thing she felt she had the mental capacity to do. She stared mindlessly at the screen, mostly lost in her thoughts. When she eventually went up to bed she found one of Charlie’s jumpers lying in a bundle of discarded clothes and held it close, breathing in the familiar scent of his aftershave. She cried herself to sleep clutching it tightly.

  When Tasha opened her eyes again her bedside clock informed her it was 10 a.m. She couldn’t remember the last time she had slept in that late. The emotional stress of the previous weeks had clearly taken its toll. She was grateful that she had finally managed to catch up on some sleep but the house felt horribly empty without the patter of children’s feet and the constant babble of chatter that usually filled it. It was a family home, not designed for one person, and by herself it felt awfully big and lonely. She checked her phone: nothing from Charlie, the only person she ever wanted to hear from these days. She imagined them all at Caroline and Stephen’s house. They had probably been up for hours; maybe they were playing in the garden or taking the dogs for a walk. She wished she were there with them but she knew this was the price she had to pay. She scrolled down to the message from Javier that had started it all and pressed delete.

  It occurred to Tasha that she should warn Javier that Charlie knew. Charlie would never make a scene in front of the children, but he might well confront him at some stage. She dreaded making contact but knew it was probably better to get it over and done with, especially while she was alone. It would happen sooner or later, after all. Having showered and dressed, she summoned the courage to cross the road and ring Javier’s doorbell.

  A couple of minutes later, the door opened. Javier stood in front of her looking quite dishevelled, as though he had only just woken up.

  ‘Tasha!’ he said in surprise, his brown eyes twinkling warmly. ‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’

  ‘Hi, Javier. Do you mind if I come in for a moment?’ she asked.

  ‘Of course!’ He opened the door and gestured for her to go inside, closing it behind him as he followed her.

  ‘Before you say anything, I-I’m not here for the reason you might expect…’ Tasha stammered rather awkwardly.

  ‘Right!’ Javier laughed. ‘Can I pour you a coffee? I just made a pot.’

  ‘No, thank you,’ she said.

  ‘So, what’s up?’ he asked, obviously realising she had something to discuss.

  ‘It’s Charlie. I was out on Monday night with a friend. I’d left my phone behind… your message popped up on my screen and he saw it.’ Realisation dawned on Javier’s face as she spoke. ‘He knows what happened between us…’

  ‘Oh.’ Javier winced. ‘I’m sorry, Tasha.’

  ‘It’s my fault.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m the one who is married.’

  ‘Where is he?’

  ‘He’s gone to stay with his parents. He’s taken the children. They don’t know anything. He hasn’t stayed at home since… They think he’s been away with work.’

  ‘OK.’ He nodded.

  ‘I just thought I’d better warn you. He was pretty furious when he found out, as you can imagine.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘It’s probably best to keep your distance, if you can avoid him.’

  ‘Right. Well, thanks for letting me know.’ It was suddenly extremely awkward between them. Javier was looking very uncomfortable, the opposite of his usual relaxed demeanour. She didn’t know what else to say. In fact, she wanted to get out of there as quickly as she could.

  ‘Right, well, I’d better be off…’

  ‘OK.’ Javier nodded. ‘Have a good weekend.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Bye, Tasha.’ He held the door open again. She avoided contact with him, ducking awkwardly around him to get outside.

  ‘Bye,’ she replied as he closed the door behind her. She crossed the street, again looking to see whether anyone might have noticed her movements. No one was around. She went back home, retreating to safety, and returned to her spot on the sofa. She didn’t leave it again all day.

  By Sunday Tasha was feeling extremely claustrophobic, trapped within the four walls of her house. She decided to get out, aiming for the river and the Thames pathway that ran alongside it. She bought herself a coffee from the vending truck at the start of the old towpath and set off towards Hammersmith Bridge and beyond. The sky was heavy with charcoal clouds, the water absorbed their reflection. She walked for hours, lost in her thoughts, trying to come up with a plan of action. She knew Charlie well enough. She knew that if she pushed him to come home he would retreat further away from her. He needed time to process what she had done. When he was calm he would decide whether he wanted to talk, to try and work things out. But she knew she had to let him come to her. She had to leave the ball in his court.


  When she got home she sat at her desk and wrote him a letter.

  My darling Charlie,

  I hardly know where to start, what to write, but I know I need to try – to somehow explain myself, and to ask, beg, for you to somehow find it within your heart to forgive me. My actions have been desperately wrong. Javier meant, and still means, absolutely nothing to me. I regret what I did, that moment of insanity, more than anything else I have done in my life. I keep hoping this is all some kind of horrific nightmare, that I’ll wake up and you’ll be here.

  I know I promised you I would never betray you, that you have suffered enough in the past and I meant it… There are no excuses, I just feel I have lost myself these past few years. I don’t even recognise myself right now. I just felt like I’ve been moving blankly from one day to another, drowning in the repetitive monotony of daily life staying at home, running the house. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behaviour but I haven’t been able to get my feelings out in the open to you as I should have and when I tried it always seemed to end up in an argument…

  I love you, Charlie, I love you so much. I will wait for you, for as long as it takes you to find a way to forgive me. I will do anything for us to be together, as a family, again.

  Yours, always and forever,

  Tasha

  She put the letter in an envelope to give to him when he came back that afternoon.

  *

  ‘Mum!’ Max hugged her as she opened the door to greet them. She had been waiting by the window for them to arrive. It felt as though they had been away from her for weeks.

  ‘Hi, darlings,’ she said, hugging them one by one as they came through the door. ‘Did you have a lovely time?’

  ‘It was so fun.’ Bella beamed. ‘We went to the village fete!’

  ‘There was a tombola,’ Flora said. ‘I won a bottle of wine, but I gave it to Granny and Grandpa.’

  ‘That was very kind of you!’ Tasha smiled.

  Charlie was hovering by the door, looking awkward, as if he would rather be anywhere else than in her presence. She wanted to give him a hug, but he was looking grateful that none of the children had noticed their lack of physical contact this time.