The Distance Between Us Page 16

  The weather remained muggy and overcast for the whole week but they refused to let the odd spatter of rain dampen their spirits. They pulled on cagoules and headed off for bracing walks along the coastal paths, they ate picnics on the beach, looked for shells and went crabbing, rock-pooling and kite-flying. Despite Charlie’s best efforts Tasha was worried that the children might have noticed a change in their relationship, especially Flora. Surely they would pick up on the lack of physical contact between them? They were both making valiant attempts to keep things as normal as possible, focussing as much attention as they could on the children, doing their best to ignore the huge elephant in the room. But each evening when the children had all gone to sleep and it was just the two of them left alone the silences became longer and the awkwardness grew even more unbearable.

  Despite her promise to herself that she would wait for him to initiate the conversation, by the last night, Tasha couldn’t take it any longer.

  ‘Charlie, please can we talk?’ she asked, turning to face him on the sofa. ‘I can’t bear feeling so distant from you. I know I deserve everything I get, but can we please discuss what’s going on?’

  Charlie continued to stare at the television.

  She tried again. ‘If we’re going to move past this you need to let me back in.’

  With a sigh he picked up the remote and turned the television off, turning to face her.

  ‘I don’t know how to,’ he said.

  ‘Just talk to me.’

  ‘I feel like I don’t even know you any more.’

  ‘I’m exactly the same as I’ve always been.’

  ‘But that’s precisely the problem, Tasha. You are not. The Tasha I knew and loved would never have done something like that.’

  ‘I wish I hadn’t.’

  ‘So do I.’

  ‘It’s still me though, Charlie. I screwed up, I know. I completely screwed up, but I’m still the person you married. I made a mistake, that’s all…’

  ‘You promised me when we met you would never cheat on me.’ Charlie looked so forlorn; he was gazing into the distance as though reliving the heartbreak she had helped him overcome.

  ‘I know,’ she admitted sadly.

  ‘I told you how important that was to me. After Chessie… I swore I would never love again.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I promised myself that I would never get my heart broken like that. The thought of going through that for a second time was not an option. But you came along and gave me your word. And I believed you. When we got married you vowed to be faithful until death parted us. And yet you did the one thing you swore you would never do. You know how I feel about it, and you did it anyway. And seemingly without stopping to think for one second how I might react if I found out. You just thought I’d be fine, that I’d forgive you. Good old reliable Charlie… Well, it’s not as simple as that, Tasha.’

  ‘I know. I am not expecting it to be simple. But you do have to forgive me, Charlie. You have to at least try. We can’t carry on acting like strangers. We have been through so much. Surely you don’t want to throw it all away? Please… Please forgive me. I will never do anything to break your trust in me again…’ Her eyes brimmed with tears as she looked at him, trying to convey just how much she meant what she said.

  ‘But how am I supposed to believe a word that you say? You’ve said that to me before and look what happened.’

  ‘I mean it this time.’

  ‘You mean it this time? So, you didn’t mean it before?’ Charlie laughed bitterly.

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant.’

  ‘Well, what did you mean, exactly?’

  ‘God, I wish I’d never met that stupid man!’ She felt desperation rise within her as she tried to somehow claw back Charlie’s affection. ‘He means nothing to me, Charlie. Nothing. I love you, no one else has even come close. I have loved you since the moment I met you. It was nothing but complete and utter madness. I was out of my mind! I am so disgusted with myself I can barely even look at myself in the mirror. Trust me, I couldn’t feel worse than I already do.’

  ‘Trust you…’ Charlie ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his temples. He looked so exhausted. Sleeping on the sofa could hardly have helped. ‘That is the problem. I don’t think I can.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Look, I’m going to stay at the hotel tomorrow, Tasha. I’ll tell the children I’ve got to catch up with work.’

  ‘No, Charlie, please.’ Tasha could feel the panic rising within her. ‘Don’t go to the hotel again. Stay with us. I’ll stay in the spare room…’

  ‘I’m sorry, Tasha. I need to think.’

  ‘Let’s just try to move on and look to the future instead.’

  ‘It’s easy for you to say.’

  ‘No. It’s not. But we must.’

  ‘I’ve made up my mind,’ he said, firmly.

  Tears coursed down Tasha’s cheeks. She shook her head. ‘Please,’ she whispered.

  Charlie looked at her. She wanted to hug him but she didn’t know how to cross the gap between them; she was terrified he would shove her away if she did. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.

  ‘Please,’ she repeated once again. ‘I’ll do anything…’

  His eyes were full of sorrow as he looked away. ‘We’d better set off in good time tomorrow,’ he said, trying to change the subject, to signal that there was no point continuing this conversation.

  Tasha couldn’t bear it for a second longer. She had to leave the room before she broke down completely. She stood up and walked out, climbing the stairs up to their bedroom with a heavy heart. She had hoped that his agreeing to come back, to come to Dorset, was a good sign. She couldn’t believe he was leaving them again, that he needed more time to think. To distract herself from the panic that was welling inside her she packed her belongings into her bag. Charlie’s clothes were on the other side of the wardrobe, hanging neatly beside her own. She folded his clothes and laid them in his suitcase, waiting in vain for him to come upstairs to get ready for bed.

  Eventually the door opened. Lying in bed, Tasha kept her eyes shut as she listened to him creak across the floorboards. He brushed his teeth and changed his clothes. She waited for him to go back downstairs but instead he got into the bed, careful not to wake her. No doubt he wanted to get a good night’s sleep before driving them back the next morning. He kept as far away from her as possible as he pulled the covers over himself. It dawned on her that this could be the last time they ever shared a bed and more tears slid across her cheeks. She turned around and stared at his back. She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder but he shifted his weight slightly and lifted her hand to move it off. She pulled it away. He couldn’t even bear for her to touch him. As she closed her eyes and allowed the tears to trickle onto her pillow she could hardly believe that they had come to this point. She would never have dreamed it possible.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  ‘A colleague has offered me his flat in the City.’ Tasha looked at Charlie as he sat opposite her. He had been staying at the hotel for the last four nights. During his phone call with the children the night before he had asked her to meet him. He took a deep breath and continued. ‘He’s posted long term in Zurich and he only comes back for the odd weekend. He said I’d be doing him a favour if I house-sit for him while he is away. It’s just lying there empty at the moment. I think I’m going to take him up on the offer…’

  Panic erupted inside her. ‘No. Charlie, please, don’t do this. I am begging you…’

  ‘The thing is, Tasha, I don’t want to be in the same house as you any more. Since Dorset I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I want…’ He paused. ‘I need some time apart.’

  ‘No,’ she whispered. ‘Please…’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  Her eyes filled with tears. ‘But what about the children?’ She barely dared ask.

  ‘I think we need to tell them what is happening. It’s not fair to keep lying to them like this.�
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  She felt sick to her stomach at the thought. Her mind spun as she tried to think of something she could do to put a stop to it. ‘No… we can’t…’

  ‘I don’t see how we can avoid it.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘I know. It’s hardly what I want either, but I don’t see that we have a choice.’ He clenched his jaw tightly.

  Tasha couldn’t think of anything to say. Her mind seemed to have gone completely blank.

  ‘I wish I could change things.’

  Charlie looked at her but said nothing.

  ‘What do you want to tell them exactly?’ she asked.

  ‘The truth. Well, a version of the truth anyway.’

  Tasha swallowed. Her mouth felt unbearably dry.

  ‘I think we should say that we are having some time apart, that we’ve been together a long, long time and that sometimes couples need a break from each other.’

  ‘But they’ll be heartbroken,’ Tasha whispered.

  ‘So am I,’ Charlie replied, his eyes brimming with emotion.

  At this her eyes welled up.

  ‘Then change your mind,’ she begged. ‘I’ll do anything. Anything…’

  But she could tell it was no good. His mind was made up.

  ‘We have to tell them it has nothing to do with them,’ he continued. ‘That we still love them just as much as we always have. I’ve been doing some reading about the best way to talk to children about stuff like this.’

  ‘When do you want to talk to them?’

  ‘This weekend.’

  ‘So soon?’

  ‘I can’t keep lying to them.’

  Tasha nodded sadly.

  ‘I’ll come over on Saturday morning.’

  ‘We should do it together.’

  ‘That’s better for them. Then I’d like to spend the weekend with them.’

  ‘I’ll see if I can stay with Rosie.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Charlie cleared his throat. ‘I just hope I don’t bump into…’

  She nodded. He didn’t need to finish the sentence.

  ‘Charlie…’

  He looked at her. She held his gaze, trying desperately to think of anything to say that might stop this from happening. Once they told the children it was real. There was no way out. Everyone would find out. Her palms began to sweat.

  ‘Are you sure we can’t try and make it work? Can’t we give it more time… before we say anything?’ she asked.

  ‘I need space. It’s not that easy.’

  ‘I know. And I’m not trying to simplify it. I am just so desperate for this not to happen…’ She tailed off. ‘I know things weren’t right between us, but we can work on it. We can get back to how we used to be…’

  ‘Well, perhaps you should have thought about that before you jumped into someone else’s bed.’

  ‘I’m so sorry…’ She felt like a broken record.

  ‘I know you are sorry. But it doesn’t change anything, Tasha. You can’t undo what you’ve done.’ With that, Charlie pushed back his chair and stood up. ‘Look… I’ll see you on Saturday,’ he said. ‘I’ll call the children tomorrow.’

  She looked at him as he stood across the table from her; his suit was crumpled and his eyes dark and shadowed.

  ‘Goodbye, Tasha,’ he said.

  He turned and walked away.

  She sat back down on her seat at the empty table and choked on an alarmingly loud sob. She didn’t care who was watching; she let the tears stream down her cheeks, staring at the chair he had just vacated, trying to take in what had happened.

  When she had regained some composure, she got out her phone and ordered an Uber home. There was no way she could hide the fact that she had been crying from Nina, who was babysitting, but luckily Nina was far too tactful to say anything. She accepted the cash Tasha offered her and left. Tasha went up to bed with a heart like lead. She had no appetite. She climbed under her duvet and rested her head on the pillow, staring at the other side of the bed, where Charlie should be.

  Chapter Thirty

  ‘Charlie wants to tell the children we are having some time apart,’ Tasha said as she poured herself and Rosie large glasses of wine. Rosie had come over for dinner the following evening. Tasha was in desperate need of some moral support and encouragement having spent the day furiously fighting back tears, trying to quell the sheer panic that relentlessly pulsed through her.

  ‘Oh, Tasha. I’m so sorry.’ Rosie gave her a hug. ‘Was Dorset a complete disaster?’

  ‘It was so awkward, like being on holiday with a stranger, not my husband. We had a bit of an argument on Friday night but I didn’t think it would come to this.’ She shook her head. ‘He’s been staying in a hotel. He said he can’t bear the thought of being in the same house as me.’

  ‘I guess it’s all still a bit raw.’

  ‘More than a bit. He is so hurt. I just can’t believe I was capable of causing him so much pain. What was I thinking?’

  ‘I think that’s the problem when things like this happen. If you had all your wits about you and knew the consequences you probably wouldn’t have done it in the first place. It’s just hard to think of the bigger picture in the moment. I can completely understand how it happens.’

  ‘There’s no way Charlie will ever see it like that. Especially after everything that happened with Chessie. I don’t even expect him to. It’s my fault. I know how he feels about cheating but I did it anyway. I keep thinking how I would feel if it was the other way around.’

  ‘Look, Tash, it’s happened now so there is no point torturing yourself.’

  ‘I can’t help it.’

  ‘You have to look to the future, not the past.’

  ‘The future looks pretty shit from where I’m standing.’

  ‘Well, you just have to do your best to change that, Tash.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Firstly, you need to give Charlie this space right now. That much is for sure. If he has made his decision, which it sounds like he has, then you need to respect his wishes, as hard as that may be. He needs to get over it and if the best way to do so is to be away from you then that is how it must be. At least that gives him the chance to miss you, to realise how lonely life would be without you and the kids.’

  ‘You’re right.’ Tasha sighed and took another sip of her wine.

  ‘I’m sure he will come back eventually. But in the meantime, you have to get on with your life as best you can, for the children’s sake. You’re just going to have to take each step as it comes. So, the next thing to face is telling the children?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘Saturday, right?’

  ‘That’s what Charlie wants…’

  ‘OK. So, you have until then to prepare for that. You can make sure you have done your research so you know you are doing the best you can for the children in terms of supporting them through this.’

  ‘I’ve already started. It’s all so depressing.’

  ‘That’s great! And in the meantime, you can continue to make sure they have a wonderful end to their summer holidays, as you always do.’

  ‘What about my family? I’ll have to tell them. I’m sure Mum must be suspicious – the kids told her Charlie was staying at work when she came up.’

  ‘Did she say anything?’

  ‘No, but she might be thinking it.’

  ‘Are you going to tell them what you did?’

  ‘I guess I’ll have to.’

  ‘Well, maybe that’s another conversation to have with Charlie.’

  ‘Oh, God. They’re going to be so disappointed.’ Tasha thought of her parents, her sisters, Becca and Andrew; her spirits plummeted.

  ‘Don’t even think about that until after you’ve told the children. One thing at a time, remember?’

  ‘You’re right. Thanks so much, Rosie. What would I do without you? Speaking of which, I’ve got another favour to ask. Charlie wants the house to himself this weekend. Do you mind if I stay at yours on Saturday night?’<
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  ‘Not at all. I’ll tell Josh that I am busy with someone far more important…’

  ‘You don’t have to do that. I could always stay without you?’

  ‘No way. I’ll make us a nice meal if you don’t feel like going out, or we can have a takeaway. We can even go wild and paint the town red if that’s what you want.’

  ‘I’ll probably be having an emotional breakdown. You might be better off leaving me to it.’

  ‘As if!’ Rosie squeezed her hand.

  ‘God, this is so miserable. I keep thinking “what if?” – it is driving me insane!’

  ‘That’s why it’s pointless. What does it achieve? You can’t change the past so you might as well stay in the present.’

  ‘I know. I just can’t bear it. I literally hate myself.’

  ‘Tash,’ Rosie reprimanded her. ‘You mustn’t think like that. We are all human. We all make mistakes – Charlie included. It takes two people to let a relationship get to the point where somebody strays.’

  ‘I’m not so sure…’

  ‘It does. You said it yourself, you didn’t feel like he was listening to you, you weren’t that happy.’

  ‘I suppose. Anyway, God, this is so horrendously boring for you, not to mention depressing.’ Tasha took a deep breath. ‘Tell me about Josh.’

  ‘Tash I am hardly going to bang on about my new relationship at a time like this!’ Rosie rolled her eyes.

  ‘Please. I am dying to hear all about him.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Come on! Seriously, Rosie. I need the distraction. How is it going?’

  ‘It’s going well…’ Despite herself Rosie couldn’t help the soppy smile that spread across her features.

  ‘I’m so happy for you. Tell me more! What’s he like?’

  ‘He is a gentleman. He’s got lovely manners.’

  ‘I love that in a man.’ His good manners were one of the things she had always loved about Charlie.

  ‘I think you’d really like him.’

  ‘Maybe I can meet him this weekend?’ Tasha suggested. ‘If I can pull myself together.’

  ‘Let’s see. We won’t plan anything, but he’d love to meet you at some stage. I’ve told him all about you.’