The Distance Between Us Page 9

  ‘Gosh, I hadn’t thought about that. Thank God for generators.’

  ‘Indeed.’

  ‘I wonder whether they have them in Haiti…’ Tasha said.

  ‘Why Haiti?’

  ‘My sister’s in hospital in Port-au-Prince.’

  Friendly concern flickered across Javier’s face. ‘I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?’

  ‘She has malaria.’ Tasha filled him in on all that she knew so far. She was grateful to be able to talk it through with a fellow medical professional.

  ‘It sounds like she is doing well?’

  ‘As far as I can tell. The doctor I’ve spoken to doesn’t speak much English.’

  ‘An old colleague of mine works in Port-au-Prince, I don’t think he is at the same hospital, but he might be a good person to contact if things take a turn for the worse? He is French but he speaks fluent English.’

  ‘Oh, wow, thank you, Javier. That would actually be great.’

  ‘Come in and I’ll get his details for you.’

  He unlocked the door and walked into the hallway. She glanced through the door on her left to the sitting room where she had noticed Javier eating his dinner the other day. It was decorated in neutral tones, simple and uncluttered, just as she had imagined. Beautiful photographic prints hung on the walls. The kitchen had a small island, which was covered in paperwork. It was clearly not in use as a work surface for cooking, as Tasha’s was.

  Javier rummaged around for an address book. ‘I think it should be in here somewhere,’ he said. ‘Just give me a minute.’ As he thumbed through the pages Tasha noticed a trace of his spicy aftershave in the air. The dampness outside had caused his shirt, a pale blue linen, to cling ever so slightly to his back, revealing muscular shoulders that curved down to narrow hips.

  Tasha suddenly felt out of her comfort zone. Being in his house felt different somehow. Their previous encounters had always been outside on the street, in the open, with the freedom to walk away and the safety of knowing any passers-by could witness their interactions. In her home, she had been surrounded by all of the evidence of her family. But here she felt strangely vulnerable, as if the power balance had subtly shifted.

  ‘Here you go!’ he said, scribbling down a name and number on a piece of paper. ‘I’ll just write mine underneath,’ he added. ‘In case there is anything else.’ He looked up at her and she held his gaze for a moment.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘I really appreciate it.’

  ‘Like I said, it’s no problem.’

  They stood in the kitchen, somewhat awkwardly. His unsettling effect on her seemed intensified now that she was in his home. She looked around the kitchen, suddenly finding it hard to tear herself away.

  ‘You have so many amazing photographs,’ she said, gesturing at a scene of a lake with perfectly reflected snow-capped mountains in its waters. ‘That is absolutely stunning. Where is it?’

  ‘I took that one in New Zealand.’

  ‘You took them?’ she asked, surprised.

  ‘Yes.’ Javier shrugged his shoulders and smiled, his brown eyes twinkling.

  ‘Wow!’ she said, taking a closer look. ‘A jazz-playing doctor and a photographer – an impressive skill set indeed.’

  ‘Ah, so you’ve heard my saxophone?’

  ‘Occasionally. It comes through the window from time to time.’

  ‘Do you like jazz?’

  ‘I don’t really know much about it. I love the saxophone. And I have enjoyed what I’ve heard you play, so I suppose I must.’

  Javier nodded. He was still smiling at her, almost quizzically now.

  ‘Where did you take this one?’ she asked, peering at the face of an old woman, a gap-toothed grin breaking out across her deeply wrinkled skin.

  ‘South America, in a little village in Peru.’

  ‘You are well travelled, aren’t you?’

  ‘I don’t travel much any more but I spent several years travelling and taking pictures before I began my career in medicine.’

  ‘That’s the time to do it,’ Tasha said wistfully. ‘I wish I had done some more while I still had the chance.’

  ‘There’s still time,’ Javier said.

  ‘I suppose…’ Tasha took a step closer to examine the photograph. Javier was right beside her, looking at the image, seemingly lost in his thoughts. She wondered what he was thinking, who he had travelled with, what his story was. He must be well into his forties; those laughter lines gave his age away. Now that she was so close to him she could see the odd salt and pepper strand of grey in his thick, dark hair.

  As she stood there she felt the energy between them slowly intensify. Tasha kept her eyes fixed on the photograph. Once again, she knew she should break this dangerous intimacy and leave but she just couldn’t seem to tear herself away. Adrenaline flooded her body. She couldn’t even turn her head. Her whole body tingled at his proximity to her. He was mere inches away.

  After a while she could bear it no longer. She glanced up at him and found him looking at her. No doubt he was wondering why she was hanging around. He smiled at her and she blushed, feeling her neck flush with colour. She couldn’t deny it: she wanted him. He seemed to have an intoxicating effect on her.

  ‘Would you like a coffee, Tasha?’ he asked, softly.

  ‘No. Thank you,’ she replied. She swallowed. Her mouth was dry. Her heart was pounding. She seemed unable to break the lock his eyes had on hers. Her breath was shallow and she felt a little light-headed. Her mind was screaming warning bells as loud as claxons but her body seemed utterly determined to ignore each one. The rational part of her brain was sending a checklist of reasons to leave through her in rapid succession: Charlie, the children, it went on and on. Yet her primal instincts were overpowering all logical thinking. She was standing in front of this man, who had listened to her, complimented her, noticed her. She knew she was not in a good place with Charlie but that was not an excuse. It wasn’t the right thing to do but she was almost daring him to make a move, to see what her reaction would be. Surely she would bat him away and walk past him? Wouldn’t she?

  Time seemed to slow down. She was aware of his breathing. She could see each piece of stubble on his chin, the caramel-coloured flecks in his deep brown eyes. Tentatively he reached out and touched her hand. At his touch the tingling she had experienced was intensified, as though someone had turned up the voltage. Her whole body thrummed with electric energy. Slowly, maintaining eye contact, he took a final step towards her, closing the gap between them. She shut her eyes. She knew it was wrong but she didn’t want it to stop. In that moment, all she wanted was for him to kiss her. She could hear nothing apart from her pounding heart. It overtook every thought. As his lips slowly touched hers every cell in her body seemed to come to life. Parts of her that had lain dormant for years and years kicked into gear. She felt a deep, primal awakening within her. The overwhelming power of lust punched her in the gut with its force. She knew it was hopeless. She knew in that moment she would surrender. As he kissed her she felt herself disappear into the longing that he created inside her. He led her upstairs to his bedroom and she followed blindly, collapsing onto his bed and succumbing to each mesmerising kiss as he made love to her, powerless to stop it.

  Chapter Fifteen

  ‘That was amazing!’ Javier said as he rolled onto his side. He leant over and kissed her before collapsing back onto the pillows. ‘You are amazing.’

  Tasha lay there, catching her breath, dazed and unable to process what she had done.

  ‘It was,’ she said. And it had been. Passionate, explosive, completely overwhelming. But it hadn’t been with Charlie. She hadn’t slept with anyone else since first meeting him, fourteen years ago. The second it was over she had felt a disturbing feeling of discomfort seep in, replacing the all-consuming lust she had felt mere moments before.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m fine. Sorry. I just… I have never done anything like this before.’

/>   Tasha’s mind was reeling. Her body felt entirely sated, but the floodgates had opened and the rational voice that had been trying to get her attention in the kitchen was now at the forefront of all the conflicting voices in her head.

  ‘Hey, I promise, you have nothing to worry about. I’m not going to tell your husband.’ Javier smiled reassuringly. He was so relaxed, so comfortable in his own skin. She envied him in a way.

  ‘Oh, God, don’t say that word.’ Tasha clamped her hands over her eyes. ‘I feel terrible.’

  ‘We are all human. Programmed to love, to lust, to desire. There is no harm in what we have done. It’s simple enjoyment, good for the soul… I respect that you are married. There is absolutely no need for you to feel ashamed.’ Javier leant over and kissed her again. He seemed as if he wanted a repeat performance, but now that the spell had been broken there was no way Tasha was going to relent.

  ‘I think I had better go,’ Tasha said, pushing him away. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Stop apologising!’ Javier laughed. ‘I think you are an extremely beautiful woman, and today I got to make love to you. It felt amazing. I promise you, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.’

  Tasha laughed nervously as she got out of the bed. In contrast to Javier, who was lying there in all his naked splendour seemingly without a care in the world, she suddenly felt very self-conscious. Lost in the moment, she hadn’t stopped to think about her body, what he might think of those extra pounds, her cellulite. But in the harsh morning light she knew that it would all be on full display.

  Javier watched her as she pulled on her clothes. He yawned. ‘I’m going to jump in the shower. Are you sure I can’t tempt you to join me?’

  ‘No, thanks. I must get going. Thanks again for the number…’ She didn’t know what else to say. This was so awkward. What had she been thinking?

  ‘No problem. Are you happy to see yourself out?’ Javier stood up and walked towards her. He reached behind her and grabbed a towel from the back of the door, slinging it around his hips. Her pulse raced from adrenaline; she felt quite faint again, this time for entirely different reasons.

  ‘Yes, absolutely.’

  He leant forward and kissed her. ‘I meant what I said. Please, don’t worry. This was just for us, a stolen moment, to be enjoyed, relished, perhaps.’

  She nodded. ‘Goodbye, Javier.’

  ‘Have a wonderful day,’ he called as she turned on her heel, opening the door and walking down the stairs.

  She let herself out, trying not to look suspicious, nonchalantly looking from left to right to see whether she had been spotted by anyone. Thankfully there was no one in sight. She exhaled a sigh of relief and crossed the road. Her hands were trembling as she opened her front door.

  Closing it behind her, Tasha turned and pressed her forehead into the wood. What had she done? Tears filled her eyes as she thought of Charlie. How could she have betrayed him like that? How could she have been so weak-willed, so desperate for sexual gratification that she would consider looking elsewhere? She had cheated on him, something she had sworn blind she would never have been able to do. She was no better than his ex… She knew all too well just how heartbroken he had been. Now history appeared to be repeating itself. There had been nothing glamorous about it, nothing romantic. It had been a moment’s release and nothing more. She was already filled with regret and she had a sneaking suspicion that the feeling would never leave her.

  Suddenly desperate to have a shower, to wash off all traces of Javier, Tasha stripped off all her clothes and scrubbed at her skin under the hot water. Her mind had gone into overdrive, immediately jumping ahead to all the worst-case scenarios in which Charlie might find out what she had done. She tried to tell herself there was no way he could, Javier wasn’t going to tell him; he had already told her that. He was a decent man and she felt sure he had meant what he said. Despite his assurance she felt panic set in. She felt so stupid. What had she gained from that? What had been the point? She wasn’t going to start a relationship with Javier. She had no interest in him other than a deep attraction; he had a mysterious air that intrigued her but that was worth nothing. She was happy with Charlie. There was no way she would jeopardise her marriage. Except that she just had. It was no good, she would just have to cope with the guilt. She had made her bed and she would now have to lie in it. She wouldn’t tell Charlie what she had done. She would just have to pretend it had never happened and mentally strike it out, if that was even possible.

  Back in the kitchen, as she put her clothes into the wash, she remembered in horror that she had left the Post-it with the contact details at Javier’s house. She wasn’t going back to get it, that much was for sure. She thought of Ella and her eyes filled up once again. Enough, she told herself. She had to pull herself together.

  Tasha went up to the loft to pull out Flora’s old school uniform in the hope of locating a kilt for Bella. She tried to stop the vivid flashbacks from slipping into her consciousness. Each one made her stomach lurch in a mixture of lust and regret. Try as she might, she couldn’t get the images out of her mind. She considered calling Rosie to discuss what she had done; if there was one person she could confide in it would be her. Even so, she knew she wouldn’t tell her. It was better if no one knew.

  Later, as Tasha was ironing Charlie’s shirts she found tears in her eyes again. Suddenly she seemed only too aware of just how wonderful he was. Memories flooded back of thousands of happy times together: the first dance at their wedding, eating ice creams on the beach in Dorset with the children, taking Flora home from the hospital for the very first time. She pictured his kind blue eyes, his smile lines, him telling stories to the children, and she thought she might be physically sick with guilt. She desperately hoped that he would never find out just how selfish and foolish she had been.

  Chapter Sixteen

  As Tasha walked to school that afternoon to pick up Max and Bella it seemed as though she was seeing the world through a newly-acquired veil of guilt. She was no longer the same person who had traced those exact steps that morning.

  Max was first out. ‘My tooth fell out!’ he cried, proudly showing her a labelled envelope. ‘It was dangling on one thread of gum. Mikey pulled it out for me at lunch.’

  ‘Eurgh! How disgusting!’ Tasha grimaced, pocketing the package carefully, ready for the tooth fairy later that night.

  ‘It was awesome!’ Max beamed. He was definitely not as squeamish as his mother.

  Bella arrived in the playground moments later. ‘I had the best day ever!’ she squealed, completely oblivious to her mother’s turmoil as she jumped into Tasha’s arms for a hug.

  ‘Oh, great!’ Tasha fixed a smile to her face. ‘What happened? Tell me all about it!’

  ‘We had a special visitor who came in to show us his owl.’

  ‘His owl?’

  ‘Cool!’ said Max, his eyes rounding with intrigue.

  ‘We’ve been learning about them all term and today we got to see one for ourselves! It was so fun. It was just like Hedwig in Harry Potter…’ As Tasha listened to Bella’s joyous ramblings her heart pounded. She was still flushed with shame that she could have jeopardised her precious family’s happiness so readily.

  ‘What can we have for tea?’ Max asked. ‘I’m starving.’

  ‘I’ve got crumpets for tea and then it’s fish pie for dinner.’

  ‘Crumpets!’ Max pirouetted with excitement. ‘Thanks, Mum, you’re the best!’

  Only Tasha knew how completely untrue this was. She had to keep fighting back tears. She was dreading seeing Charlie. What if he took one look at her and knew what she had done? Maybe the betrayal was written all over her face.

  ‘Let’s cross here,’ Tasha said at the top of the road, determined not to go anywhere near Javier’s house. ‘We’ll have crumpets and jam then get your homework over and done with, shall we?’

  Flora came home an hour and a half later, following netball club, buzzing with excitement, which made
a change. ‘Guess what, Mum? I’ve been moved up to the B team!’ She grinned proudly.

  ‘Oh, Flora, well done, darling! That’s so exciting!’

  Flora munched her way through a crumpet and recounted to her younger siblings exactly what had happened, who listened with grave admiration. Even the mountainous maths homework she had been set could do nothing to dampen her spirits. Tasha sat beside her, doing her best to help her whenever she got stuck. She kept half an eye on the door, waiting for Charlie to get home.

  The fish pie she had made that afternoon went down a treat. By the time bath time and bedtime were complete, with only minor protest from Max for a change, Tasha felt like a nervous wreck. She had drawn her bedroom curtains without so much as a glance across the street. Charlie had texted to say that he was on his way home. She turned on the television and watched whatever programme was showing without taking in a word. Eventually she heard Charlie’s key in the lock. Her pulse quickened as adrenaline coursed through her veins.

  ‘Hi, babe,’ he said, loosening his tie as he came in, bending over to kiss her on the cheek and revealing an enormous bouquet of flowers in a dramatic flourish. ‘These are to say thank you for taking the children to Aunt Marigold’s yesterday. I realised I didn’t thank you properly last night, I was on such a high from the business trip…’

  He looked so pleased with his romantic gesture, standing there in front of her with eyes full of love. Bile rushed up her throat and she felt pure disgust at herself. She swallowed heavily and took the bunch of flowers.

  ‘Thank you so much, Charlie,’ she said. ‘You didn’t have to do that!’

  Charlie shook his head. ‘I think I don’t always tell you just how grateful I am for your efforts. I know how much you do for us all – it never goes unnoticed even if I am rubbish at saying it out loud as often as I should.’

  Tasha blinked back tears, desperately trying to stay in control of her emotions. She was unbelievably moved but it made her feel her betrayal even more acutely. She had to fight back the urge to blurt out her confession, knowing it would be another purely selfish act. Looking for forgiveness would only serve to cleanse her guilty conscience whilst plunging Charlie into a whole world of heartache. There was no way she could do that to him.